Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happy Tax Day from the Land of Congress!!!!

     Woohoo!! It's Tax Day!!! That most wonderful day of the year when US citizens that actually work get to turn most of their hard earned income over to residents that don't work: you know, to people like Senators, Representatives, illegal immigrants, convicted criminals, child abusers, drug addicts, tax cheats, and the unemployed.  Yessiree, there's nothing like that satisfied feeling of knowing that less than half of the population has to work in order to support the remaining half that does not. I feel good!
   But don't get discouraged, all you hard working citizens of America. I have a plan.   I love my country, but I have decided I have to move. The only way to survive is to move to that magical land where everything that applies to the ordinary citizens of America no longer applies to them. I'm talking about a special world called the Land of Congress- a magical land where you get to have private laws, private health insurance, private retirement plans, private tax requirements, private kickbacks, even private jets and private body guards...for life!!! You don't even have to wait 7 years  to become a citizen of the Land of Congress...the minute you enter, you are a citizen for life. I can't wait to get there!
      It gets even the magical Land of Congress, you get to make laws for people in the land of America, but you don't have to obey them in the Land of Congress.  You get to take tax money from people in the land of America, but you don't have to pay your own taxes in the Land of Congress. You can even get REWARDED for not paying your taxes in the Land of Congress with things like rent-controlled apartments, luxury vacation homes, freezers full of cash, even high level Cabinet positions
      It gets even don't have to have any qualifications to move into the Land of prior employment history, no credit checks, no educational requirements, no religious affiliation, no code of moral ethics, no intelligence tests, no military service, no mental health just get to move on in and take over the neighboring country called America. 
     Oh my goodness, it just keeps getting better....once you move into the land of Congress, you not only get to take money from hard working people in the land of America, you get to spend it however you like....with no restrictions!!! And if there's not enough money to pay for all the wonderful things you want to know, things like million dollar airports in the middle of nowhere and studies of the reproductive cycles of tree frogs,  then you just print some more!!!Woohoo!!!
     And it keeps getting better...they are environmentally friendly up there. The only way to move around in the land of Congress is to ride either an elephant or a donkey, and we all know that the only thing they leave behind is a pile of poop.  No more concerns about depletion of the ozone layer or global warming as a result of the inefficient combustion of fossil fuels from those nasty SUVs they drive in America....those vehicles in the Land of Congress are all green, all natural, and the mess they leave behind will eventually decompose and turn into fertilizer. Beautiful!!!
     And finally, only in the Land of Congress can you still voice an opinion or say things like this without fear of censorship, penalty, or arrest. So as soon as I get out of jail, I'm moving.
    I'm gonna miss all of ya'll in America, but I have no choice. I moving to that magical, enchanted, mystical place,  that site of private health care, private tax laws, private retirement plans, private rules and regulations,  private jets and body guards, that land where I will get to tell people in the bordering state of America just what to do and where to go, whether they like it or not, because they are all my subjects now that I reside and rule in the  Land of Congress. 
     WooHoo! I'm moving to the Land of Congress, just have to mail my tax check in first.

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