10 things I've learned from being robbed while in France

TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING ROBBED WHILE IN FRANCE

1. DUST YOUR FURNITURE!
 Contrary to popular belief, fingerprints do not stick to dusty furniture.  One would think that all those guilty fingerprints smeared on your dust riddled furniture would be a boon for the detectives. Au contraire, mon ami, au contraire. Fingerprints do not stick to dust! Therefore, polish all your furniture with a reputable lemon oil or beeswax polish before any foreign travel.

2. THIEVES ONLY TAKE THE GOOD STUFF.
  Robbers today are quite selective. They won't touch the fake jewelery, not even the good fakes.  Therefore, buy only Tiffany or Cartier. The replacement value is much higher.

3. DON'T BOTHER HIDING THINGS.
 Think your treasures are safely tucked on that top shelf in the bedroom or closet in the back of the basement? Ha! I say, Ha!  People brazen enough to rob you are also brazen enough to go through every drawer, closet,  shelf, and secret space in your house.  Therefore, just leave everything of value  in a huge pile by the front door with a sign that says, "This is the good stuff. Take it and leave the rest of my house alone."

4.  HIRE A GOOD YARDMAN.
 Amazing what one can learn from a trustworthy yard crew.  They will notice everything out of place in your yard and collect evidence that even the best detectives might miss.  They are extremely loyal, will try to track you down even if you are in France, and they tell you everything. Therefore, pay your yard crew extremely well and make them a fruitcake every Christmas.

5. YOU MAY NOT BE PRESENT WHEN THE DETECTIVE INTERROGATES THE SUSPECTS.  Believe it or not, criminals have rights, you do not. According to the law enforcement officials, it would not be appropriate for you to sit in on the interrogations and hold a hot lamp over the guilty parties as they are being questioned. Even when you respond that it is not appropriate for criminals to enter your house and leave with guns, televisions, electronics, and jewelry, you are still not allowed to sit in on the interrogation process. Therefore, take a Xanax and wait for the police report.

6. IT HELPS TO SHOP.
  Retail therapy is very helpful in the healing process.  After one has lost treasured possessions and  had the security of their home stolen, it speeds up the healing process to engage in a little therapeutic replacement shopping. Therefore, after a robbery, head to the mall.

7.  POODLES ARE NOT GUARD DOGS.
 No matter how fiercely they bark, they are, after all, poodles. Poodles are social animals and like a crowd, even if that crowd has invaded your home and is walking out the door with your stuff.  Therefore, get a Rottweiler.

8. BE THANKFUL FOR THE GOOD THINGS.
 Getting robbed is bad. Getting taken advantage of is bad. Having your home raped by strangers is bad. But, you had a wonderful trip, great flights, good health, fabulous pictures, treasured memories, incredible travels. Things can be replaced. Life goes on. Therefore, focus on the good things and let the bad things work themselves out.   

9.  LET THE POLICE KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO BE OUT OF TOWN.
 Call your local police force and let them know you are going to be out of town.  If there are hundreds of kids drinking beer by your pool, that is probably not a good sign. If there are hoards of kids hanging out in your yard, that is probably not a good sign.  If there are tons of  cars  parked in your yard and  along the neighboring roads, that  is probably not a good sign. Therefore, have a second set of eyes watching your house; preferably adult,  legal, law enforcement eyes.

10. NEVER HIRE AN 18 YEAR OLD TO WATCH YOUR HOUSE.
 Eighteen year old kids do not think like fifty year old adults. Therefore, hire an adult to watch your house. Enough said.