Saturday, January 2, 2010

And a very Happy New Year!

     2010 has safely arrived and we have officially entered the teen years of this century.  Get ready for  pimples, mood swings, rebellion, and all the other delightful perks of going through puberty.  Hold on, America, we've got a bumpy ride ahead...
     If the entire country is going through puberty, then who is left to be the parent in control of everything? The one who lays down the law, sets the boundaries, lets us make our own mistakes but still hangs around to clean up the mess, the one who loves us unconditionally even when we are pouting and stomping our feet in defiance of all that is good for us, the one who sets the perfect example we should strive to become? Guess you'll have to figure that one out on your own, but I've got a pretty good idea who I'm going to be turning towards for advice.
     First off, let's get the resolutions out of the way so we can promptly proceed to break them.  I, of course, have resolved to lose all the weight I gained during the freshman first semester.  That "freshman forty" weighs alot more when you're breathing down the neck of fifty. I'll have to take a physics class or something to figure that one out. I may even add a physical education class to the schedule to throw in a little exercise, although lugging a fifty pound backpack around all day has to burn off a few calories.
      Before one can start a daunting diet, one has to purge the house of all temptations.  I worked diligently on this all day yesterday. It takes a lot of effort to eat up all the Christmas goodies, but I was dedicated to the task.  As I was polishing off the last of the toffee a friend had sent for Christmas, Sissey walked into the kitchen and caught me redhanded with a mouthful of candy. She frowned at me as I chewed and asked the ambiguous question, "Aren't you supposed to be on a diet today?"
     I was stunned that I even had to point out the obvious to her.
     "Of course I am, " I garbled through teeth stuck together with toffee.  "It was my New Year's Resolution. But EVERYBODY knows you have to eat up all the Christmas goodies before you can officially start.  It's one of the cardinal rules of dieting. I am in the purging phase, cleaning out the house so I won't be tempted to eat anything fattening. "
     I just don't understand this younger generation. How can anyone begin a diet when there are sausage balls, fruitcake, and chocolates that must be consumed first? And while we are on the subject of fruitcake--it's fruit, and everyone knows you can have fruit on a diet, so technically you are not breaking your diet there either. You have to prepare for the diet, you can't just jump in without a plan. That's the problem with youngsters,  they act on impulse without thinking through the process. I had meticulously planned for this diet and that started with ridding the house of all temptations. I also counted on  the fact that the last few pounds gained were usually the most delicious to acquire and the quickest to lose, so they really didn't count anyway. I had a lot to teach Sissey about the rules of dieting, but since she had not yet broken the 100 pound mark, that conversation could wait a few years!
     I  have another cardinal rule of dieting. Anything consumed before breakfast does not count in the calorie intake since those calories are going to be quickly burned off during the day.  Those are counted as "freebie calories", so go ahead and sneak a sausage ball while you're waiting for the coffee to perk, it's not going to break your diet.
     And everyone knows the  "Universal Rule of Standing"
           --anything eaten while standing,
           -- anything eaten while not placed on a plate,
           --anything eaten while hiding in the pantry
Hereby let it be known, those calories do not count, they are designated as free calories.
   I will keep you posted on the results as they roll in, or rather off, since I am confident my plan will be successful.  I have years of experience in the dieting department, you could actually call me a professional dieter, I have lost enough weight over my lifetime to make three whole people, so I do not anticipate anything but success this time around.
      My final resolution is to try to be forgiving, tolerant and understanding of all that happens as our nation plods through the pubescent teen years of this century.  I may have more problem keeping to that one than to the diet, but we all have to make some resolutions we just know we are going to break. Besides, I already have a plan for that, too. As I said before, I've got a pretty good idea who I'm going to be turning towards for advice.
     So I wish you all a Very Happy New Year, much success with your resolutions, much health and happiness in the year ahead,  and I sincerely hope you all have a plan for surviving the bumpy ride.

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