Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Rather Delicate Subject

Warning: The following contains graphic, adult material that may not be suitable for young children. Parents should use caution when viewing this site.

   Alright, you've been warned, and all of you curious little deviants that are still with me, I wonder about you, but here we go.  I am about to tackle a rather delicate subject, but one which I have been pondering for quite some time, one regarding a certain behavior that has me confounded and scratching my head in utter confusion, muttering to myself "Why, oh, why?"
   Let me begin by confessing that I am, by nature, a voyeur, a people-watcher.  I love to observe people engaged in everyday life and try to figure out what motivates them to behave the way they do. I think this tendancy was embedded in me by my mother.  She has this uncanny ability to be able to see a total stranger and give you their entire life history. It's truly an amazing gift.
     For example, we are sitting in a parking lot in the car, getting ready to go into a store, when a man wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase strolls by.
     "Look at that man," she'll say.  "He works for the FBI. He's looking for drug dealers that hang out in the parking lot.  He looks depressed. I bet he just arrested some young boy who had a tragic home life and got into drugs. It's just a shame what happens to young people these days. It was probably because his parents didn't care about him. He must have come home to an empty house every day, and those gangster boys that roam around the neighborhood just pulled him into the drug life. And now that FBI agent had to arrest him and he's all depressed about it and...."  You get the picture.
     As I said, I come by it naturally, or perhaps genetically, but I do love to watch people: 
     ...the woman that comes to the grocery store in curlers and a house dress (yes, people in the rural south still do that).....does she believe opposites attract? Does she hope that some high-level executive in a Brooks Brothers suit will find her irresistible, that he'll be drawn to her hot-pink foam curlers and fuzzy slippers? Why bother curling your hair if you are willing to go out in public looking like a mess?
     ...the man with green hair and a mohawk and body piercings in places I didn't know could be pierced....who grows green hair?  Who grows green hair that sticks straight up from the middle of your head? Is he going for a moldy-native look or just working the shock factor?  Did it hurt to have his eyebrow and chin pierced? What about the one in his cheek?
      ...the kids that drive around town with music playing so loud it vibrates the frame of your car and you can hear it in it a control thing, a power play, an attitude of "this is my car and you can't tell me what to do?" or is the poor thing actually hearing impaired?
      But the one that has me stumped, the one I just can't figure out, the one that I have been pondering and pondering, is the one that  has to do with young men, pick-up trucks, and trailer hitch ornaments.  I'm referring to the young men that drive around town with a pair of bull testicles dangling from the trailer hitch of their truck, a phenomenom I have observed not only in South Carolina, but North Carolina, Georgia and Virginia as well. I am afraid it probably happens all around the country.
     First of all, where exactly does one go to buy animal genitalia ornamentation for one's car? I'm quite sure one does not stroll into Target and ask the red-smocked customer service rep," Could you point me to the animal genitalia department? I need a new set of bull testicles for my truck."
     Secondly, why,oh,why does one even want animal genitalia dangling from one's car? What message are they trying to send? A bull is a rather curious specimen. Uncle Henry raises cows, and I've observed plenty of his bulls. They don't produce milk, butter, or cheese, their meat is usually tough and not sold to market, they are loners except when interested in mating, they stand around eating all day, they stink and they have flies buzzing all around them. So are the young men trying to send the message that they are unproductive, smelly, dirty, hungry, and only interested in sex? That's a real chick magnet.
      What parent in their right mind would allow their young daughter to get into the truck of a boy that has a pair of animal testicles dangling from his hitch? I can assure you that if he arrived in my driveway, he'd be met at the front door by a parent wielding a set of garden clippers prepared to remove more than one set of balls.
        I do understand the motivation to personalize one's car and to proclaim one's identity. I am the queen of car ornamentation. I have stickers that promote my children's schools, the colleges my husband and I graduated from, my political orientation, my beloved poodles,  my hobbies, even a little fish that proclaims my faith.  I have a Chick-fil-a cow dangling from my antennae, a trailer hitch in the shape of the state of South Carolina, a magnetic pink bow to support breast cancer survivors, a magnetic yellow bow in support of our troops. At Christmas, I add a wreath to the front grill and a candy cane to the antennae, and have been known to hook up lights that blink as I'm driving down the road (this may not be exactly legal...). So as you can see, I am not a car ornamentation snob. I simply do not understand the animal genitalia thing.
    I will continue to observe this behavior, I will analyze the young men I see driving around town with this bizarre ornamentation, I will ponder and wonder and ponder some more, but I can assure you, I will never, ever, ever be able to figure this one out.
     Therefore, I am forced to start a "Save the Bulls" campaign. To order your bumper sticker, please call PETA.

No comments:

Post a Comment