Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Economics 101

   This Economics class is for the ladies only. Gentlemen, I must ask that you excuse yourselves from the room at this point, and being the gentlemen I know you to be, I am confident you will comply.  Besides, I have put a secret curse on this class which will cause your credit cards to suddenly become maxxed out if you read any further. So gentlemen, be forewarned and beware and be gone.
    Now, ladies, we're going to have a little economics lesson, a much needed refresher course after my last trip to the Metrolina, and a valuable tool for obtaining economic freedom in today's precarious market.   In today's class, we will solve the following problem:

        How does one realize a financial gain in today's soft market when one has invested too heavily in some had-to-have-it, one-of-a- kind rare deal ?

     If one is smart and a good student of economics, one can not only survive, but one can thrive,  in any economy. One need not fear making unsound financial investments or falling into the pit of economic ruin. In just three easy steps, you, too, can have unlimited financial freedom and learn to reap abundant economic rewards on all your investments.
      A good financial investment always bears fruit if the vine is properly tended. No matter what the state of the current economy, no matter if the market is hot or flat, any investment can be rewarding if it is properly tended.  For today's lesson, the  financial investment is understood to be the seed that grows into the desired goods, the husband/significant other will be referred to as the vine, and the realized savings will be referred to as the good fruit.  Those are the only factors needed to be able to successfully apply the following formula for financial success, a formula which can be learned and mastered in JUST THREE EASY STEPS!


     NEVER, EVER, EVER tell your husband/significant other what you actually SPENT.
      Your spending must be put into a frame of reference which the male brain can comprehend.  Male brains do not understand the value of antiques or other collectibles, the necessity of more than five pairs of shoes, the need for designer handbags and clothing, or the relentless pursuit of any of life's other necessary retail acquisitions. Your spending must be put into a frame of reference which relates to the male brain's limited capacity to comprehend. In other words, your spending must be compared to something of equal value in which the male species would invest large sums of money in order to participate and to be able to survive in life.
     My spouse happens to be an obsessive golfer. Your spouse may be an avid hunter, or fisherman, or gardener, or tennis buff.  The important part of this lesson is to determine your husband/significant other's driving passion, that one thing without which he will die, and then relate all of your spending to the costs he incurs while engaging in his life-sustaining hobby. Plant the idea that his hobby is more expensive than your investment in desired goods, and nurture that thought on a daily basis, letting it grow into a huge vine which you must prune into perfect shape.
 Example #1:
Wife:         Honey, I bought a statue of a bird today.
Husband:   How much did it cost?
Wife:         Not as much as your last round of golf at Pine Valley.
Husband:   (no comment).
Example #2:
Wife:        Honey, I also bought a ceremonial mask.
Husband:  How much did it cost?
Wife:         Not as much as your bill from Cabela's for turkey calls and camouflage.
Husband:  (no comment).

Always, always, always equate your spending to his, at which point, the issue of your spending becomes moot. This is referred to as "watering the vine".


     NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell your husband or significant other what you actually SPENT.
      Your spending must be put into a frame of reference which the male brain can comprehend. Male brains do not comprehend the actual cost of goods received. They can only comprehend the harvest left at the end of the day. Therefore, one must never discuss the price paid for any object. Rather, the anticipated future value of the object must first be presented, then the current retail value must be disclosed,  and finally, the amount of money saved between the two, but at no point should the actual price paid ever be disclosed.
Anticipated value of highly collectible statue:        $X,000.00
Current Retail value of highly collectible statue:    $Y,000.00
Amount Saved:                                                   $   Z00.00
By the time he realizes how much money you have saved him, he will never ask what you actually paid for the item. You must be SURE  to  tell him you would like the amount saved IN CASH.   At this point, one should be succesfully  "harvesting the good fruit"  in addition to collecting seeds which can be replanted for a future harvest.


NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell your husband or significant other what you actually spent.
     Your spending must be put into a frame of reference which the male brain can comprehend. Here is the final part of today's lesson. If you have successfully applied your marketing skills up to this point, you are now ready to advance to the most important level of economics.....calculating your rate of return, or reaping what you sow.  At this stage, you should be able to acquire all desired goods while receiving a high rate of return on said goods by collecting the  realized savings in cash.
      What to do with all that newly acquired cash? The smart economics student will quickly reinvest realized savings, apply the marketing formula discussed in Step Two, collect the newly acquired savings, and reinvest....this cycle can be successfully repeated indefinitely, as long as the formula in Step Two is strictly adhered to. Any deviation from this formula will result in a decrease in the rate of return, which may lead to disastrous financial results.
      If you have tended your vine well, you should have an abundance of good fruit, which will lead to a bountiful supply that never runs out. Financial success hovers on the horizon...be fearless in your pursuit and you will always harvest an abundant crop. Plant the seed, water the vine, harvest the fruit, replant the seed...heed these words and an infinite cycle of growth and abundance waits for you.
      This concludes today's lesson. Your assignment for next week is to demonstrate successful application of  said formula while realizing a rate of return at no less than 50% on original investment. The acquired goods must be submitted with the assignment as well as proof of return on investment. This assignment must be completed individually, with no help from other classmates, signed and pledged.  Assignments due by 3:00 on Wednesday. The next chapter will explain construction of storage facilities for an over-abundant harvest. Class dismissed.

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